I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
