Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
