Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
