well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
