my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
