My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
