if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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