oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just blew my weed a kiss
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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