I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
