I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dignity is for republicans.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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