My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
