someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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