I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
