i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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