Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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