I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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