i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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