I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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