We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
