hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
cat food counts as protein by the way
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
