my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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