alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
