I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
