Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm too high and old for this...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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