I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
