Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
