i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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