Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
