I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
