I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
