I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
