Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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