Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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