It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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