Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
