I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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