If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize