I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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