The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
