why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
