Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
