Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Bring me that man meat
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
