if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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