I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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