he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize