Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
