I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
