Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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