I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
