Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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