Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
