I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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