im having a threesome with these popsicles
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
