he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
