dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
