Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
