That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
