do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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