If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
