Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
