I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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