can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
