Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just want nice things and good sex
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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