we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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